Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
