i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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