I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
