Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
