Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
