I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Less talking, more tequila
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
