He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Randomize
