He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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