just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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