Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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