He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
