My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
