Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
