its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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