So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
