I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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