My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Randomize
