Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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