Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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