WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
