John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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