i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
