The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Randomize
