Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
