My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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