my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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