we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
