So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Is Oprah even human
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
