my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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