We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Slut skills are useful in every country.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
