Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
