sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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