I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
