that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
