What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
