I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I have post one night stand depression
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