My friends, they love my intelligence
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
