So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
