She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
