Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
this hospital has no fireball
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
