Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
