i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
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