How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
