the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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