I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
