dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
