1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
