You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
