Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
