take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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