Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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